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Supporting your child in managing anxiety can feel overwhelming, but helping them learn how to challenge unhelpful thoughts is a key skill that promotes a more balanced mindset. Here are some practical steps to guide you as you help your child navigate their emotions and find healthier ways to think about difficult situations: 

1. Recognize the Unhelpful Thoughts 

Start by encouraging your child to share what’s on their mind when they’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed. This step helps them identify the specific thoughts that are troubling them. Instead of guessing or assuming, gently ask, “What’s going through your mind right now?” to open the door for discussion. 

Having a hard time determining what is a helpful vs unhelpful thought? Unhelpful thoughts are often harsh and limiting and helpful thoughts are more encouraging and solution focused. Here are some examples: 

• Unhelpful Thought: “I’m never going to understand math. I’m just not smart enough.” 
• Helpful Thought: “Math is tough for me right now, but with more practice and help, I can improve.” 
• Unhelpful Thought: “No one likes me. I’ll always be alone.” 
• Helpful Thought: “I feel lonely today, but I’ve had good times with friends before. I can reach out to someone or try to make new friends.” 
• Unhelpful Thought: “I’m going to mess up my presentation, and everyone will laugh at me.” 
• Helpful Thought: “It’s normal to feel nervous, but I’ve practiced, and I’ll do my best. Even if I make a mistake, it’s okay—everyone makes mistakes.” 
• Unhelpful Thought: “I failed this test, so I’m bad at school.” 
• Helpful Thought: “I didn’t do well on this test, but I can learn from it and study differently next time.” 
• Unhelpful Thought: “If I try out for the team and don’t make it, everyone will think I’m a failure.” 
• Helpful Thought: “Trying out for the team is brave, and even if I don’t make it, I’ll know I gave it my best shot. I can keep practicing and try again.” 

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions 

Instead of leading your child with questions that may increase their anxiety, ask open-ended ones that encourage deeper reflection. For example, instead of asking, “Are you nervous about going back to school?” try, “What are you thinking about as you get ready for school?” This approach helps them explore their feelings without focusing solely on anxiety. 

More examples include:  

“What are you feeling in your body right now?” 

• This helps your child identify physical sensations (like a tight stomach or racing heart) that often come with anxiety. 

“What’s the hardest part of what you’re going through right now?” 

• Encourages them to pinpoint what’s troubling them most. 

“How would you explain what you’re feeling to a friend?” 

• Encourages them to articulate their emotions in a way that might feel less overwhelming. 

“When did you start feeling this way?” 

• Helps your child trace when their anxiety began, which can give clues about the trigger. 

3. Look at the Evidence Together 

After learning about what is making them anxious, guide your child in examining whether their thoughts are based on facts. Let’s say your child is feeling anxious about an upcoming school presentation, and they express the unhelpful thought, “I’m going to mess up, and everyone will laugh at me.” You can guide them through looking at the evidence together by asking thoughtful questions including:  

• “What makes you think this might happen?” 
• “Has something like this happened before?”  
• “What’s the best that could happen?” 
• “What’s the worst that could happen?”  
• “If the worst does happen, what can we do to make it better?” 
• “Will this be a big deal next week, or next month?”  

4. Explore Other Possibilities 

Children and young adults often jump to conclusions, especially when they’re feeling anxious or stressed. Help your child think through different reasons for a situation by asking gentle questions. For example, if they think their teacher doesn’t like them because they didn’t get called on in class, ask, “Could it be that the teacher didn’t see your hand?” or “Is it possible there were too many students raising their hands at once?” 

If they’re worried a friend is mad at them because they didn’t get invited to hang out, you could ask, “Is there a chance your friend had to keep the group small?” or “Could they have thought you were busy with other plans?” These questions help your child realize that there are many possible explanations, and things may not be as bad as they first assumed. 

5. Connect Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions 

One helpful tool is showing your child how their thoughts influence their emotions and behaviors. You can work through this together by creating a simple chart that links a thought (“I’m going to fail this test”) to how it makes them feel (anxious or scared) and what they might do because of it (avoid studying or give up). This can help your child see how changing their thoughts could lead to different emotions and actions. 

6. Use Past Experiences  

Ask your child to think about to times when they were anxious about something, and remind them of the positive outcomes. You may ask, “Has this happened before? How did it turn out?” Most times, our worst fears don’t actually come true. Reminding your child of this can help them see that jumping to conclusions isn’t helpful. 

7. Foster Balanced Thinking 

Work together to come up with more balanced thoughts. Balanced thinking is about finding a middle ground between negative, irrational thoughts and overly positive ones. It involves looking at a situation realistically, considering both the positive and negative sides, and coming up with a more neutral, rational thought. Here are some examples of how to shift anxious or negative thoughts into more balanced ones: 

Unbalanced Thought: “I’m going to fail this test, and I’ll never be good at school.” 

Balanced Thought: “This test is challenging, but I’ve studied and will do my best. Even if I don’t do well, I can learn from it and improve.” 

Unbalanced Thought: “Nobody likes me. I’ll never have friends.” 

Balanced Thought: “I’m feeling lonely right now, but I’ve made friends before. It might take time, but I’ll connect with people.” 

Unbalanced Thought: “Something bad is going to happen if I try this new thing.” 

Balanced Thought: “It’s normal to feel anxious about new things, but I don’t know what will happen until I try. It might turn out better than I expect.” 

8. Model the Behavior 

Children learn a lot by watching the adults around them. When you face your own challenges, talk openly about how you handle negative thoughts. Saying things like, “I was feeling really anxious about my presentation, but I reminded myself that I’ve prepared well,” can show your child that these strategies are useful in everyday life. 

9. Be Mindful of Your Reactions 

It’s easy to unintentionally reinforce your child’s worries with your own reactions. Stay calm and supportive when your child shares their concerns and avoid feeding into their fears with your tone of voice or expressions. Having conversations about a child’s feelings without judgment or shame can help to keep communication open and productive.  

By guiding your child through these steps, you’re giving them tools that can help them feel more in control of their thoughts and emotions. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all negative thoughts, but to help your child approach them with a more balanced, realistic mindset. With time and practice, your child will gain confidence in managing their own thoughts and feelings, empowering them to thrive both in and out of school. 

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